Written by: Beth Zabiegalski (They/Them)
We all want that ability to authentically and effectively communicate so that we can improve our relationships with the people we love. And, before we can improve our connection with others, we have to be able to authentically and effectively understand our Selves. Below are a few starting points for forming that self-intimacy – but let’s start with a couple of definitions.
Intimacy
Intimacy is a word that we so often use as synonymous with sex, and it is NOT the same thing. Sex is a form of intimacy, but it can also be utterly void of intimacy. There are also MANY other forms of intimacy other than sex. A way that many practitioners define the word is that it means “in-to-me-see,” or being able to see into your inner world and translate that information to someone else.
Embodied Intimacy Coaching
Your author, dear reader, is an Embodied Intimacy Coach, which means that I work with clients on how they want to intentionally (keyword) express or act out what they’re experiencing inside their body (emotions, sensations). Learning how to do this creates feelings of alignment, fulfillment, trust and confidence (add “self-” in front of any of those as well), and better relationships.
Got it? Great. Let’s get to those tips for self-intimacy!
Tips for Self Intimacy
Notice & Observe Your Self
Our first objective is to get your Self in a place where you can observe what’s happening – almost as if you’ve noticed a cutie from across a cafe and are just taking in information about this person (you). To do this, you need to cultivate mindfulness, which simply means paying attention, on purpose, to how you feel, think, and relate to yourself. This awareness is CORE to your intimacy with yourself and others because unless you’re able to notice something you’re experiencing, you won’t be able to take the following steps of understanding, tending to, or expressing it.
Ways of practicing mindfulness could include:
- Mindful Tasks – while eating, doing the dishes, showering, or taking a walk, key into each of your 5 senses. Notice what you see (colors, textures, shapes, light), what you hear, what you smell, what you taste, and what you can feel (in your body or external to your body). This practice can support your ability to relate to and key into your inner experience more curiously.
- Being Nonjudgmental – while doing any of the mindful tasks or feeling your emotions, notice any criticism, liking/not liking, or a sense of something being good or bad, right or wrong. Then, shift into what IS. For example, I hear a really irritating noise as I write this coming from my radiator. I notice that “irritating” carries a negative judgment for me, a “not-liking.” I can shift my language to describe the sound objectively: “I hear a loud, low, buzzing, pounding, and inconsistent sound coming from my radiator.” This practice can support your ability to accept and sit with your experience, which will benefit you in the future as you’re able to get more information from your experience.
- Labeling Thoughts and Emotions – practice shifting your language from “I AM sad,” or “I think that person is mad at me,” to language like “I notice sadness is with me,” or “I notice I’m having the thought that person is mad at me.” Observing rather than attaching to your thoughts and emotions emphasizes their temporary nature and can support your ability to understand them without a need to change or fix them.
Court Yourself
When you’re building a relationship, you take time to be with and check in with that person. But how much time do you actually make each day just to be with and build a relationship with yourself? This self-time could involve time spent in mindfulness, or maybe taking yourself on a walk, taking a bath, journaling, and self-reflecting, or doing something creative.
Treat yourself like a new connection – how would you want to show that you’re pursuing connection and desiring to get to know you? How would it feel to take yourself on a date? To say to yourself, “Good morning! How are you today, sweetheart?” or “Good night, darling. Sleep well. I love you.” And, of course you build up to the terms of endearments and “I love yous,” so start wherever you’re at in the relationship with yourself and work up from there!
Get Sexy 😉
Yes, I know that when people see “intimacy” they really want it to focus on sex, so that is absolutely a part of building this relationship with your Self! I encourage every client to have a self-pleasure practice – and that can take whatever form of pleasure you’re comfortable with. It can involve genitals or not! It can include touching or not! Anything that feels good to you counts. What’s important is that you go in with the intention to experience pleasure without any goals in mind. Not orgasm, not pleasing anyone else, not completing any task. You’re simply feeling and noticing what feels good to you. In adrienne maree brown’s book Pleasure Activism (see also this liberating interview about the book), she recommends setting aside at least one (if not two) weekly 30-minute self-pleasure sessions to start to explore your sense of pleasure and aliveness.
To get deeper in this practice, I recommend working with a coach or therapist to craft a self-pleasure practice and partner with you to unpack and de-shame any narratives or expectations you might hold around sex, certain acts, or experiencing pleasure in general.
These three things are key ingredients to getting to know what’s in your body and mind, what you genuinely love to do for you, and what pleasure is for you! I’d recommend working with a coach or therapist to firm up your mindfulness practices, develop your journey toward self-pleasure, and build on the next steps. You’re already on your way to robust and full relationships!
If you are interested in learning more about self-intimacy, make an appointment with Beth, an Embodied Intimacy Coach, by emailing info@elementspgh.com or calling 412-336-8832.
The information contained in this blog does not replace professional treatment or diagnosis and is for educational purposes only.
