Written by: Kassy Rush (She/Her) CRC, LAPC
Valentine’s Day is a yearly event with lots of expectations for grand gestures of romance and love. For those who identify as polyamorous or having more than one attachment-based relationship, this can be a lot to handle! A lack of clear communication can lead to mismatched expectations and hurt feelings. Let’s unpack some ways to manage this Hallmark holiday in a polyamorous relationship.
Communicate your Expectations to your Partners
Do you place a lot of value on Valentine’s Day? Do you want your partner(s) to do something special for you?
Some people view Valentine’s Day as “just another day.” They may question why a special date night should be planned, or why a special gesture of romance is warranted. If this is something you expect from your partner, it’s best to talk about it upfront instead of assuming they will take the lead. If you want to do something special for your partner, check with them ahead of time to ensure they don’t have other commitments on the day. (showing up unannounced with a giant teddy bear and roses can be romantic when timed right)!
Schedule Different Celebrations
Some relationships are newer than others. Are you okay with your spouse of 10 years spending an exciting and romantic Valentine’s weekend with their new partner? Are you okay with your new partner scheduling your Valentine’s date the weekend after so they can be with their spouse on Valentine’s weekend? Flexibility and compromise is essential in navigating polyamory. DON’T try to pile everything into one day–this will leave you feeling frazzled and burnt out.
Celebrate as One Polycule
Could it be possible for your spouse, your partner, and their partner to get together and celebrate on the same night? If this is not something you’ve done before, and everyone is comfortable, try a “test-run” before the big date. However, not all polyamorous relationships operate in a “kitchen-table” way. If this oversteps one’s boundaries, don’t try and force it. Respect and honor where each individual is in their polyamory journey.
Have a Self-Care Day
Follow the guiding principle of solo polyamorists: focus on the relationship with yourself! As with all holidays, remember this day holds weight societally due to ceremonial and traditional reasons. Take yourself to a movie and dinner. Buy yourself flowers. Go do something fun and non-romantic with a platonic friend or a family member. As always, pay attention to your body. If you’re feeling tense, or wondering what your partner is doing, tap into your inner resources. Remind yourself that you are safe and loved. Engage in some calming exercises like deep breathing, visualization, mindful coloring or crafting, etc.
Show Appreciation to your Partners Regardless of How Things Pan Out
It is essential to remind your partners how much they mean to you. Love and appreciation are not date-dependent. If someone’s feelings get hurt, help them process their feelings and show them reassurance. If you end up disappointed, be honest with your partner and give them the opportunity to comfort you. The last thing you want to do is intellectualize feelings with reasons why you should not be upset. Polyamory does not mean you are void of jealousy or disappointment–it means you are willing to question your thoughts about typical relationship expectations and work through those big feelings.
Conclusion
With that being said, if you find yourself constantly in a state of stress and worry in your polyamorous relationship, don’t be afraid to seek help! Many people choose not to pursue relationship counseling due to fear of being stigmatized or ostracized from their communities due to being polyamorous. If you would like help navigating your polyamory journey, you can find a poly/non-monogamy-affirming therapist at Elements.
Make an appointment with one of our poly/non-monogamy-affirming therapists in Pittsburgh, PA, or email info@elementspgh.com or call 412-587-6020.
The information contained in this blog does not replace professional treatment or diagnosis and is for educational purposes only.
